To Matilda, most calories don’t count

My good friend Matilda is on a new diet. She claims she will lose 2 pounds overnight simply by sleeping eight hours. All she has to do on this rapid weight-loss plan is eat a high-protein diet for six days followed by one day of liquid. Combine that with eight hours of sleep, and she will be wearing a size 2 before Mother’s Day.

Really? This is the woman who thinks protein is another name for latte. She also is known to wake up and get a snack at 3 a.m. A two-hour nap in the afternoon is a way of life. There’s no way she can get eight consecutive hours of sleep. Add a full day on a liquid diet and, well, we know where that goes. I know because I’ve been there, done that.

Here is a woman who has tried out countless diets, always adding her own variations. While telling me about this strict diet she is on, she is licking the knife she had just used to apply chocolate frosting to a cake.

Being such a close friend, I felt obligated to inform her she had consumed breakfast, lunch and a portion of dinner with that one lick. She told me calories in frosting don’t count until after they are on the cake.

She also maintains that if a piece of brownie is thin enough, it can’t hold calories.

She has a knife so sharp she can get 67 Musketeers out of one bar. Calories don’t count when trying to straighten the edge of cheesecake. I’ve seen her devour an entire cheesecake all in the name of keeping the edge straight.

When Matilda takes a container of leftovers from the refrigerator and eats from it while standing, the calories don’t count.

Also, when she is sick in bed there are no calories in the food, for it is needed to return to good health. There are no calories in crumbs, in anything you need to taste in order to determine if it has enough salt, sugar or vanilla or in anything that is a source of fiber.

Joyce Ore

Joyce Ore writes delightful stories about life with a dose of humor and sprinkle of nostalgia. Her column appears Saturday in the Tribune.

Copyright © 2015